Usual hams hogging most of the limelight: Miriam Lord’s election debate leaders’ ratings

In the glorious history of televised general election leaders’ debates, last night’s sprawling production was positively Shakespearean – loads of spear-carriers cluttering up the scenery and the usual hams hogging most of the limelight.
Viewers may have been confused early on in the proceedings when the on-screen information indicated they were watching Crimecall, but after half an hour or so of this infuriating debate they realised RTÉ was kidding them not.
It wasn’t Katie Hannon’s fault.
She was expected to moderate a two-hour exchange between 10 politicians, presumably because the top brass wanted to boast about Montrose hosting the biggest general election leaders’ debate ever, which was as good a way as any to punish the political establishment and sniggering public for making a holy show of them in Oireachtas committees over the RTÉ payment scandal.
In this special edition of Upfront (and very likely to get personal), the participants went to war in the Decagon, walking the grey concrete carpet outside the television building beforehand where they hoped to be waylaid by reporters asking questions like: “Who are you wearing?, “What was your inspiration?” and “Is there anyone you would particularly like to thank?”
Among the first to arrive was Michael Collins of Independent Ireland and the Rural Independents, wearing an unbuttoned shirt collar and flaunting his chest hair – living his best life. Joan Collins of the little known Right to Change party arrived with her entire parliamentary party in tow, or in other words: on her own.
Green Party leader Roderic O’Gorman and Cian O’Callaghan of the Social Democrats made low-key entrances, in keeping with how they would perform later in the night.
As they were limbering up on the sidelines, Taoiseach Simon Harris announced his presence on the pitch by launching a vicious shoulder charge on Sinn Féin leader Mary Lou McDonald over respective party members who had run-ins with the law.
The Sinn Féin leader may have criticised Fine Gael’s candidate in Louth – John McGahon – but “her press officer is in prison tonight for being a paedophile,” blasted Simon.
In the studio, the Decagon is bordered by a narrow blue moat filled with the tears of political correspondents forced to watch the debate until the bitter end.
Moderator Hannon took to the stage in a burgundy trouser suit, wielding a metaphorical whip and a chair.
Meanwhile, the country braced itself as Met Éireann rushed out an urgent Status Yellover-Each-Other warning for the Dublin 4 area around RTÉ.
And as if she didn’t have enough to do, Katie also had to conduct the draw for the podium positions earlier in the day. The results were immediately condemned as a ready-up in the usual conspiracy quarters because the three outgoing Coalition leaders – Taoiseach Simon Harris, Tánaiste Micheál Martin and Green leader Roderic O’Gorman were drawn together in the coveted middle lanes while McDonald was banished to the farthest right extremity next to Richard Boyd Barrett and opposite Joan Collins on the far left, who was representing all strands of herself.
Soc Dems deputy leader O’Callaghan stood in for Holly Cairns, who, in a most serendipitous and happy stroke of good fortune, had to miss the leaders’ debate because she is due to give birth any day now.
At one point, we wondered if Jack Chambers might have to step in for the Fianna Fáil leader who nearly had kittens over Sinn Féin’s non-contribution to the democratic process here for nearly 70 out of the last 100 years.
The debate meandered on for over two hours, with the tag-team of Simon and Micheál effortlessly combining to stick it to the Shinners and anyone else who threatened to wreck their new brotherly buzz.
Labour’s Ivana Bacik had it right on the grey carpet when she described the recent bickering between the Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil leaders as nothing more than “a scripted scrap”.
It was a long haul.
Hannon did Trojan work trying to keep her 10 charges from wandering off the point, but most of them barely got a look in. From the outset the M&S meal for two combination of Micheál and Simon and the change-chanting leader of the Opposition hogged the camera.
Katie called time following brief party political broadcasts by each participant. It was a merciful release for those hardy souls who hadn’t already abandoned the debate for “I’m a Voter, Get Me Out of Here!”
Back outside on the grey carpet, a stoic but smiling Richard Boyd Barrett summed up the mood of the nation: “Fair play to anyone who stayed up after two hours of THAT!”
Apart from driving people to drink on a school night, did the debate make any difference? Did it change hearts and minds?
Highly unlikely. As our Political Editor Pat Leahy tweeted in the heady aftermath of this Shakespearean extravaganza: “Having considered the debate carefully I have concluded that the party I support was the clear winner.”
Here are our player ratings from an uninspiring fixture:
Joan Collins: Quite the result for one-woman party Joan, even if her time in the Decagon was marked by long periods of inactivity. “I have no intention of propping up a Fianna Fáil or Fine Gael government,” she declared, which is probably a relief for all concerned. 4.
Cian O’Callaghan: The Social Democrats’ deputy leader looked exhausted and half-petrified for most of the night, making little attempt to get a word in against M&S and Mary Lou. He was very woolly on his party’s post-election intentions but improved somewhat in the latter part of the debate, particularly when his specialist subject of housing came up. 4.
Michael Collins: The Independent Ireland leader played to his strengths, bashing the Greens and banging the drum for rural Ireland. “I’m not going to rule out or rule in who we are going to go [into government] with,” he said. That’s a surprise. His party does not have a whip system, so any negotiations should be interesting. 4.
Micheál Martin: Burst out of the traps early doors and got stuck into McDonald’s and Sinn Féin’s chequered history – “you murdered gardaí as well” – with a passion. He said Sinn Féin’s failure to publish its manifesto in advance of the debate was “a three-card trick” and an insult to the Irish people. He was the most combative of the 10 leaders, standing his ground and on his record on a number of issues. He had the lion’s share of possession and also managed to get in mention of Shergar. 8.
Simon Harris: Very impressive grey quif. Faded out of the debate for much of the second half, probably by design as opposed to accident. He had a fiery spat with McDonald when she accused Fine Gael of having “faux concern for the future of children” with its acorn payment for newborns. “Wow, how dare you. How dare you accuse anyone of faux concern for children … Who do you think you are, that you have some sort of monopoly on compassion?”
A bit of cake and eat it on climate change but, like his Fianna Fáil counterpart, he also dominated possession. But it was not the Taoiseach’s best outing. 7.
Roderic O’Gorman: “Paging Roderic! Come in Rod!” The Green Party leader was like the Invisible Man for the most part. He fought his corner on climate change and stood his ground on immigration and housing. While he batted away attacks on Green Party policy, Roderic was far too quiet and diffident for his own good. 6.
Peadar Tóibín: Best of the Independents. The Aontú leader underlined his undoubted skill as a communicator with an assured performance. Despite being a spear-carrier, he managed more than the others to cut through the dominance of M&S and Mary Lou to land some choice soundbites. “The Government has wasted your money, don’t waste your vote.” Peadar was an equal-opportunity critic of all the parties, cutting in early on when Hannon wanted specifics from all the politicians on their choice of government partner.
“Ten minutes in and nobody’s been able to give a straight answer,” he said, sounding like Mr Sensible, as he likes to do. But he didn’t supply a straight answer either nor were many solutions on offer to the many ills he so eloquently described. 7.
Ivana Bacik: For much of the debate it seemed like the Labour leader’s bright pink jacket would make more of an impact than anything she had to say as she was eclipsed by the much stronger personalities for long stretches of time.
“I’m really struggling to figure out what you are saying,” said Hannon as Ivana was explaining how Labour would approach government formation negotiations. However, she set out her stall with more clarity than some of her more shouty rivals and improved as the debate went on, often coming across as the reasonable, grown-up in the room with a steady and earnest effort. 6.
Richard Boyd Barrett: When the debate very quickly turned into a vehicle for the three-main party leaders to sound off while the rest were relegated to the role of spectators for much of the time, the reluctantly silenced People Before Profit leader folded his arms, rolled his eyes and looked magnificently cheesed-off by the carry-on around him.
When he managed to get a look in against the big three, he performed well and was predictably on message, batting for the “ordinary working people” against the vulture funds, the banks, big business and the wealthy. He was passionate about the catastrophe in Gaza and called the Government’s “doublespeak” on Israel and Palestine “absolutely shocking”. 6.
Mary Lou McDonald: Banished to the margins by the luck of the draw, an end of the line podium placing could knock less accomplished performers off their stride, but the Sinn Féin leader more than held her own. Her bright green jacket also ensured she wouldn’t be overlooked at the edge of the Decagon.
She kept her cool in the face of the tag-team effort from the Taoiseach and Tánaiste, relentlessly pushing Sinn Féin’s “time for change” agenda, offering her party and an alliance of the left as an alternative to the status quo. She also enjoyed significant possession, a plus in a crowded field. 7.